My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
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interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.