16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
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Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant