I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
You Might Also Like
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
no cat here
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
wow
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.