At my grandmaβs house and just accidentally let out a βyall stop running in and outβ omg itβs over ππππππππππ
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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and Iβve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I’m not stressed
You know…for fall…
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is βhey buddy, itβs called dim sum, not dim all.β
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what theyβve had to refuse to do for a customer
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now Iβm banned from talking in my own house.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.