I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
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If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Beware of fowl play.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship