Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You Might Also Like
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.