can’t talk my ride’s here
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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Battery falling down a hole
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?