You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.