Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.