Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice馃槶
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Shower sex be like:
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don鈥檛 know what i鈥檓 doing
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75