Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
back to work
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Natty or not?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Well, shit
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount