wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂