ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!