squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
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The Person Who Discovered Sharks
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.