Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
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There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…