Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
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JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.