Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached