My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
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Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Y’all know who you are.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!