Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Did…did a minotaur write this
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
We decided to have money instead of children.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts