The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
why isn’t he texting back
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape