*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’m sorry…what?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.