I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
just gave your address to some spiders
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.