bought wrong eggs
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
greetings!
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”