“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
You Might Also Like
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
*skinny dips into black hole
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.