[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
You Might Also Like
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
A classic…
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
no cat here
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: