Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
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Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Worst bar ever.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
This meal prepping shit is easy
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.