[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things