Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Simple
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I love it all
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.