Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
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Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it