Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
titanic
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”