Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”