It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
You Might Also Like
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.