Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
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How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The devil.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.