Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I just love that new Pope smell.