Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
A closed mouth gathers no fries.