ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
whatcha thinkin bout
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.