boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Comparing yourself to others
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Tier 3 meme
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati