Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
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Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*