ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
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I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine