Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
and this one
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
they finally got him. they got macavity
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE