My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.