Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
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Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke