[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
thank god the sign was there
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
The struggle is real
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.