Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
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An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
A completely valid reaction tbh
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I’d love this…lol
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.