The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
he looks great for his age
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
2023 was just a warmup
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.