Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?