MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Was it something I said?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”