Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy