If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
You Might Also Like
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!