Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
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Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.